Monday, January 20, 2014

The Story on Bullying

There is a story I once heard about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but   Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. (Source unknown)

Isn’t this the story for so many of our experiences in life ~ whether it is at home, at school, at work, or in our communities? Think about bullying, for example. We may wish there was no bullying or violence. We may wish for people to be a little kinder, or a little more compassionate. We may wish for things to change, or for things to get better. But wishing doesn’t change things does it?

There has been interesting research on something called the “Bystander effect.” In events where someone was attacked, beaten up, being bullied, for example, and there were witnesses, there are numerous accounts when the no one did anything to help. When the witnesses, or bystanders, were interviewed they were asked why they didn’t do anything to help. As expected many responded that they were too scared, or they didn't know what to do, or some said they didn’t think it was their business to get involved. But the most common reason given was that Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Think about the bystander effect in your own experiences. Was there ever a time you can recall when you wished you stood up for someone? Or that you wished someone had stood up for you?  So often the memory that no one helped is felt with far greater pain than the act of the bullying  itself.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies,
but the silence of our friends." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

So is this how the story ends?  Nobody doing anything? That’s up to you. It’s not how it has to be! In fact, instead of the ending, I believe it’s time for a whole new chapter! However, it’s going to require a “plot twist” if we want to change the culture to be more mindful and kind-full! What do I mean by that?

Let me tell you another story I read about. It’s about Harry Houdini, a Hungarian-American illusionist and stunt performer, noted for his sensational escape acts at the turn of the century. He was famous for escaping from handcuffs, chains, ropes slung from skyscrapers, straitjackets under water, having to hold his breath inside a sealed milk can, and more. One day he was challenged to escape from a jail cell. The door was closed behind him and he quickly, and confidently, got to work picking the lock with a little tool removed from his belt buckle. Only this time, he wasn’t having success. In frustration, 10 minutes goes by, then 30, 60… Two hours later he drops to the floor in sheer frustration and exhaustion. As he does so, his back hit the door and it swung open! It was never locked!

When we are facing bullying, it may seem like there is no escape or that we can never get it to go away. The lesson from Houdini’s story, as it relates to bullying, is that we can’t keep doing things the same way if it’s not working! You can’t stop bullying and violence with more bullying and violence. You can’t stop bullying by remaining silent. That’s like trying to “pick that lock” over and over, as most us have done for years. Instead, you have to do the things necessary that will be effective in helping to stop bullying, or to reduce its impact.

Think about it! You can’t wish to complete or even have a chance at winning a marathon, for example, if you never do the things each day to make you a better, stronger, long distance runner. You work-out!

To stop bullying, like an athlete, you work-out! You’re doing the things to help improve your emotional intelligence “fitness” skills, and improving your “cardio” by strengthening your heart-centered responses.

Thank goodness for influential positive role models before us who showed the power of taking action on a dream or wish such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela. They showed us it is possible to change a culture through nonviolence. They lived it. They lead and inspired others to do the same. One person… taking action… changed a whole country!

In fact there are lots of unknown people joining the current Compassion Movement in schools and communities across the globe, getting what I call “Compassion-Fit”- doing what it takes every day to contribute to a little more caring, a little more courage, a little more compassion in every day living to make the world in our homes, schools, workplaces, and communities a little happier!

Compassion is recognizing the pain of others and taking action to help stop it. People sometimes respond with “He hurt me, I’m gonna hurt him” (or someone else). This thinking keeps you stuck like Houdini in that cell by doing something the same way over and over which is not effective. Others may think "It's not my problem why should I get involved or why should I care?"

I am going to share a Secret that may help: Hurt people hurt people. They, too, are stuck in that limited way of thinking and responding. The pain is passed on over and over with the same results - not getting beyond the pain, or anger, pr fear. When people try to hurt us through bullying, it has nothing to do with us.  It’s “their story”- it’s what’s going on in their lives. Perhaps they are being bullied, abused, having family or relational problems so their anger, sadness, or pain is being directed out. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it can help us develop seeds of compassion if we understand this. When they are bullying we can see it as not being personal, and stopping it from becoming our story.

“If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~Marvin J. Ashton
If we want bullying to stop we need a new "key". That key is to stop allowing the story of others to become our story. Take your pen back and begin writing your own story! In our "Circles of Compassion" program we expand on these concepts to write your “STORY”:

S = STOP: Practice heart-centered and effective ways to stop the bullying, as well as to stop our own reactions (fight or flight or self-destruction) which adds more aggression or pain and keeps us locked in that box/cell. 
T = TAKE 5: Practicing how to step outside the box/cell look at the infinite choices available to us through mindfulness and raising emotional intelligence.
O = OUTCOME: By utilizing our formula Events + Response = Outcome (E + R = O) we practice reminding ourselves of what Outcome we want (peace, happiness) and setting the intentions to get there.
R = RESPOND: Practicing responding with choices from the heart and mind and taking ACTION to produce new Outcomes (not wishing, not standing by).
Y = YOU: Practicing the skills and habits to help you succeed to become the very best version of YOU! Going for your personal best by setting goals to be Compassion-Fit with a commitment to non-violence to break the cycle of bullying and aggression by breaking out of that limited thinking. Keep raising the bar in compassion in every thought, word and action in daily living!

"The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday." (Unknown)

Everybody can do something about bullying. It begins with Somebody -ONE person making a conscious decision to reach out to Somebody. “To the world you may be one person, to one person you may be the world” when you reach out and show compassion. That’s how we change the world- one caring and courageous choice at a time. Let’s raise the bar on compassion beginning right now!!! I commit! I'm getting Compassion-Fit! Will you join our Circles of Compassion?

Get Compassion-Fit Video below!






www.CaringandCourageousKids.com
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Dee DiGioia

Dee DiGioia is author of “One Caring and Courageous Choice at a Time” which includes her original movie for elementary school-aged children to help stop bullying through learning to be Champions of bucket-filling and compassion. She currently teaches (coaches) her “Circles of Compassion” Teen Leadership pilot program in Folsom, CA. Approximately seventy 6th and 7th grade students are committing to becoming “Compassion-Fit.” A Coach is someone who carries us from where we are to where we want to be, so with a little guidance, the students learn and practice the skills to help them become positive role models in their peer groups to contribute to a more compassionate culture. 

Contact Dee DiGioia for your next conference or workshop for parents and/or educators to begin a "Compassion-Fit" program in your school or program!

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Thursday, January 2, 2014

Wake-up Call on Bullying

Wake-up Call on Bullying: 

What are you waiting for? Get Compassion-Fit


At the start of every new year, people are filled with dreams and goals for the coming year as though they get to wipe the slate clean to erase the negative habits from the year past.  It gives us hope to think we can, for example, shed some pounds, quit smoking, become more physically fit, run a marathon or climb a mountain peak. Memberships at the fitness centers increase and classes are bulging at the seams but within a few weeks, the overcrowded gyms and running pathways dwindle down to the numbers of people who were already there – the ones who have cultivated the daily habits as a way of life.

Why is it that so many people do not stick to their goals?

Perhaps they have not had a “wake-up call”. Perhaps their reason, their “why,” is not grand enough. How many times have known someone was whisked away in an ambulance, or returned home from a doctor’s visit with sobering news of a health threat and they begin their fitness regimen to do the things we knew we should have been doing all along: healthy diet and regular exercise. Their wakeup call? Their diagnosis. The goal? To beat the looming threat of disease or health threat and live longer and healthier. However those who are unable to give up their habits despite the wake-up call, will unlikely be able to give it a fighting chance.

Another reason why they don’t stick to their goal is perhaps they really don’t see their negative habits as part of the problem or don’t really want to give up that way of life. Perhaps the goal was perceived to be unattainable, too big, too far, too long and so they give up. Or perhaps, when they have a set back or two, they give up on themselves and quit. Perhaps they never really believed things could change in the first place.

I find all of this analogous to why so many schools continue to be ineffective in dealing with the problem of bullying. Under certain conditions and without effective treatment or preventive practices or habits, cancer spreads and grows and has damaging outcomes. Did you just see the light bulb? The analogy? Bullying is like a cancer. The climate and culture of bullying spreads and weakens a school and home environment and without effective intervention or preventive practices or habits, it spreads and grows and has damaging outcomes.

Diagnosis- bullying is at epidemic levels
The wake-up calls are sending us information: crisis! People are crying out for help. Children need our help and we are failing them. When children are ending, or attempting to end their lives, to escape the pain and torment of bullying, or when children are taking out their frustration on others through violent rampages, I don’t know how the message could get any clearer. And yet day after day there are stories, only some of which make the headlines, or comments from people on social media how their pleas for help at school get dismissed or unanswered, or additional school shootings. The cancer is spreading.

We have all heard the rally “it takes a village to raise a child” yet when the child is at school we are told “it’s the parent’s responsibility” and when at home we are told “it’s the school’s responsibility”. When it’s not our child we say “not my child” and we stay out of it. When our child is accused of bullying parent's try to excuse it. Wake up! Bullying will only grow and spread more unless we are willing to stop it in its tracks. All of us. The whole village- at home, at school, and in the community.

Wake up! You don’t beat cancer by wishing it away or agreeing “isn’t it awful?” You face it and you do the things you need to do to make it go away, never to return (yup-like cancer!).  You don’t race in a marathon without creating a plan and many short term goals to work up to achieving that goal. You don’t jump the high jump without starting lower. You raise the bar after you become successful at one level and you practice, practice, practice. Too many people believe bullying is too big a problem to be able to do anything about it. You’re taking on too big of a goal. You begin with yourself. Look within. What can YOU do to help stop bullying?  We have all learned that in order to reach our fitness goals, in order to break the old habits, we have to replace them with healthier habits which will help us get closer to, or achieve those goals. We know we can’t achieve these goals without actively practicing the daily habits required to achieve them.


Wake up! You don’t beat cancer by continuing the habits that feed the cancer! You don’t beat bullying by responding with more bullying, aggression, and violence! You beat it by becoming a Champion of Compassion, Caring, Courage, and Character. You beat bullying and violence through a commitment to strengthening your own skills at being more compassionate in your day to day lives and being a positive influence on others. You become the change. You look at what needs strengthening in you; look at what negative habits need to be phased out; determine ways to routinely practice these habits (at home, in the classroom, school-wide, or in the community), and you never give up. Keep raising the bar on compassion and develop the life-skills necessary to change the culture. Make history!





What are you waiting for? Get Compassion-Fit

Caring and Courageous Kids is now offering a pilot program for teen leadership, “Circles of Compassion” at Sutter Middle School, Folsom, CA.

We also offer a do-it-yourself elementary school program. Order the book "One Caring and Courageous Choice at a Time" which includes the children's educational DVD "Which Team Will You Choose?"  This is a great complement to any existing bullying prevention program in schools or a spark to get one going. It is a great way for families to practice skills together to become Champions of Bucket-filling!

Join our Humaniteam to inspire a more compassionate culture. 

www.CaringandCourageousKids.com

Dee DiGioia